i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
