Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
