Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You made out with two different species that night
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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