She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
