I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
not ubering you a puppy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
