Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
