He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
