I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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