He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
