When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
