she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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