Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
