I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
