Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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