Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
should my penis look like a turkey
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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