I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
