I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
