My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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