i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
