Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
