Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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