I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
