I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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