I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
