your thong is hanging out like whoa
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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