Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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