god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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