You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
