he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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