No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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