i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
