Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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