Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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