u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
