Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
