I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
