You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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