If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
