you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I want to fling myself into the sun
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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