Someone shit on the floor
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
