You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
