There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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