A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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