This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
