Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
