I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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