Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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