Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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