A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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