So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
