I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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